Friday, August 05, 2005
YaWWnnzzzz...haaaallloooo peeeppppllee...LLLLooooLLxXxx...kk done wif the yawning...excuse me...today was a total....erm...dunno wat word to use to describe my day in sch...it just...made me moody...but i cant...made me angry...but im tired to be...itz just a day tt made me be on the verge of murdering sumone or even scold sumone...but im just too tired of everyting....a few ppl says i argue alot...even my family....i dun deny tt..but wat i am doin is that...if i feel tt im right..i fight for myself...if im wrong...i apologises...but now im sooooo sooooo sooooo tired of argueing...even talking is a chore now...my english sux big time...and Mother tongue result is coming out..and my english O' lvl exam falls on Monday, 15 Aug...i just dun wan to talk right now....im just in a very low self-confidence mode right now...itz not going to go up anytime soon...or maybe never...im just tink tt sumtimes i adapt too much to my circle of frens...yang says i can adapt and i oso soon realise tt i adapt to different ppl...we just haf so much weakness..."no one is perfect"...tt phrase is good...i've listened to alot of ppl sharing their secrets wif me...their trouble wif me....but i can share mine to 1 of them onli...there was one more...but i decide not to disturb her anymore....and the sole listener oso shared his to me too....i can't tell my family abt the problems...they either dun understand me or simply dun care...heres the analysis...My dad- can be very caring when hes sober but when hes drunk at night, he wuld just nag and nag and repeat the same thing over and over again. Like chanting. and when u walk away giving the pissed of look or making any sound, he will say tt no one listens to him and watever ting tt can be used to reprimand us.- itz not like we dun wanna listen...but if hes drunk every night...he simply repeat himself wat he said the night before..and the next morning, he dunno wat had happened...itz like double personality. and he often direct his topic to me...and itz often me who will entertain my dad...and itz oso often me tt make the "conversation" into a heating arguement...im just too tired ok....
My mom- very caring always, naggy when itz at night. Mainly becus we will be staying up late. so tis cannot be avoided. But sumtimes im just very pissed wif the nagging. u dun nid to noe the reason. becus it will make me rude and words will be flying everywhere. Ttz all abt my mom's analysis.
My brother - NEVER care and abusive. He only cared abt playing computer when he reach home and he NEVER speak politely. How wuld ppl normally ask when u nid a favour? Politely right? He had simply ordered me to do those tt he wanted me to help with. When talking on the phone, to his friends, he is so dam nice. A total change in character and personality. What a hypocrit. When hes at home, i never had a chance to touch the computer. NEVER! When hes alslp and i accidentally made sum noise arnd him, i can onli expect sum part of my body to be kicked or punched. And when im alsleep, he talked loudly on the fone wif his fren (galfren esp.) on his bed, or blast the music as loud as possible. Having absolutely NO consideration abt me sleeping.What can i do? kick and punch him? i might end up having a chair thrown at my direction. It not like he has never threw a chair at me before. Nor is he still new in pulling my head and knock against the wall. It all happened when i was in primary school and no one knew my sufferings. He made me not cry when i was young. Even if i cried, i will cry alone. In a small isolated room. Not letting either of my parents to know how much i suffered. Even if they found out, i have to deny it just to temporary stop my suffering for awhile. It brings pain and tears as i was recalling wat had happened to me when i was young. Quite a few of my frens in school saw my brother before. I dun deny tt he better looking and taller than me, but i am just DISGUSTED when my frens were complimenting/comparing my ugly-ness wif his absolute beauty. Ever wonder why are there scars on my face? brown spot-like stain on my hands? Those are nail marks dammit. and itz all caused by him. I still have alot more abt my brother to type, but i tink i will just stop here. All those analysis abt my family should actually be in my really personal diary( started recently, din update much either).
Maybe i am really fortunate to be still alive after so much suffering i had. I've tot of suicide, but i tot of my mom. Secondarily (<-- is there such word?) is the knowledge tt the tv taught me. Or maybe itz just tt i dun haf the courage to die.
School suK today...the 1st half of the day was alright before it is time for D&T. I almost blew up during D&T today. The teachers tt were suppose to help us in D&T weren't helping..maybe abit..but not tt much. Heres another analysis of our teachers.
Mr Muthu- U nid to haf a cheebye to make him help u. ( get it?!)
Mr Iskanda- U nid to be a pet of his to make him help u.
Mr Leo- U nid to create a good impression of urself before he start to pick on u.
Itz just totally pisses me off when i saw them in the workshop...really...more updates abt them will be in the next entry..i hope...LoLx...anyway..i got to go now...bye ppl...
`WizO` Out-
posted @ 6:35 PM